Okay, blogger frustrates me when I hit backpsace and it erases my post comepletely. (Well, I guess technically it's my browsers fault). In any case, here is the short version of what would have been an awesome post. Incidently a post which would have gotten me in trouble. With that in mind, the subject is relationships and marriage. Don't read this if you're in either.
It seems to me that everyone is very interested in planning my life for me. No less than 5 people have as much as told me (or simply HAVE told me) that I am going to find the woman of my dreams and get married if I were to join the Peace Corps. Incidently all these people are married. Why is it that the path that they chose is the path that is the best for me? I'm sure they are just being nice, you know saying "hey Lyle, I'm sure there is SOMEONE out there for you... you'll just have to go the ends of the earth to find her, because no doubt she is being hidden away in a cave because of her extreme ugliness, but I'm sure you two will get along fine because love is more than skin deep and your children I'm sure will have the correct number of fingers and toes with a factor of error of only 3-7 digits (ha, pun)". Suffice to say, I'm not too happy with any of these people. Maybe your life path is the best one, but it's nieve to say that marriage is going to be everlasting happiness. The current divorce rate is 49%. To me that says I have a 50% chance of being kicked in the groin. I'm not a betting man, so my heart is with my beanbag: not getting kicked. The optimist would say "Hey, that's 51% chance that you'll make it! The glass is half full man!". The jaded Lyle says "that's a 49% chance she'll turn out to be a psycho hose-beast and end up with half your property". Okay, back up a little bit. I'm assuming you already know what I'm thinking because of my deleted post... so far this summary isn't working out.
Let's just say this. I'm VERY jaded when it comes to relationships. In my limited experience, they are just silly. First, they take up a huge amount of time. This includes actual time spent with the significant other, phone calls to said other and emotional hoop-dee-haw that goes along with it. Secondly, they take a huge amount of money. I hear you whining already: "b-b-b-but, you can go d-d-d-d-Dutch!" Yeah, yeah you stuttering bastard, but guess what until we go Dutch on a packet of Ramen or a $.99 pack of pasta at Trader Joes, whatever we end up eating isn't going to be comparable to my common diet and thus quite a bit more expensive. In addition movies now cost me twice as much. Thirdly, I fucking HATE flowers (sorry, I said a swear!) Yes, that's right. All of your visions of me dancing around in a field of flowers are ruined! Flowers suck. Why? First, they stink. Flowers don't smell good. The only things that smell good I can eat. There are only a couple of flowers that I would eat (pumpkin flowers and sour grass) so most flowers are a waste of scent that could be better put to use in delicious steaks, pesto and guacamole. Second, they are useless. You pick a flower and it dies. Lots of women think that somehow you actually care if they keeep the dead, rotting flower carcasses around. So they'll hang them up to dry... thorw them away, please! I don't keep turds as a reminder of a special meal I ate, so don't keep the carcasses of plants around unless you're making potpurri (which incidently also stinks). Thirdly, flowers are the sex parts of plants. Think about that next time you deeply inhale that bouquet he gets you! Yeah, you're gettin' a nostril full of wang! So yes, flowers suck. Fourthly (back to the original ordered list now) I see a lot of weak people in relationships because they don't know who they are. "Oh ho", I hear you say, "Lyle is afraid to be in a relationship because he feels that it would make him lose his sense of identity". Congratulations Freud, you'll also soon discover that girls have penis envy and you're stuck in the anal stage of development. There is some truth to that, I'll admit. The only relationship of merit I've been in completely stole me away from myself... and it took me a long time to get it all figured out again. I don't want to fall into that again. I don't want to enter into a union and come out transfigured into one flesh. I like my flesh where it is, and I like yours where it is. Hmm, I had a lot more to say... mostly about freedom. But I'm really tired now... it's 1:30. So you'll have to excuse some of my jadedness.
It seems to me that everyone is very interested in planning my life for me. No less than 5 people have as much as told me (or simply HAVE told me) that I am going to find the woman of my dreams and get married if I were to join the Peace Corps. Incidently all these people are married. Why is it that the path that they chose is the path that is the best for me? I'm sure they are just being nice, you know saying "hey Lyle, I'm sure there is SOMEONE out there for you... you'll just have to go the ends of the earth to find her, because no doubt she is being hidden away in a cave because of her extreme ugliness, but I'm sure you two will get along fine because love is more than skin deep and your children I'm sure will have the correct number of fingers and toes with a factor of error of only 3-7 digits (ha, pun)". Suffice to say, I'm not too happy with any of these people. Maybe your life path is the best one, but it's nieve to say that marriage is going to be everlasting happiness. The current divorce rate is 49%. To me that says I have a 50% chance of being kicked in the groin. I'm not a betting man, so my heart is with my beanbag: not getting kicked. The optimist would say "Hey, that's 51% chance that you'll make it! The glass is half full man!". The jaded Lyle says "that's a 49% chance she'll turn out to be a psycho hose-beast and end up with half your property". Okay, back up a little bit. I'm assuming you already know what I'm thinking because of my deleted post... so far this summary isn't working out.
Let's just say this. I'm VERY jaded when it comes to relationships. In my limited experience, they are just silly. First, they take up a huge amount of time. This includes actual time spent with the significant other, phone calls to said other and emotional hoop-dee-haw that goes along with it. Secondly, they take a huge amount of money. I hear you whining already: "b-b-b-but, you can go d-d-d-d-Dutch!" Yeah, yeah you stuttering bastard, but guess what until we go Dutch on a packet of Ramen or a $.99 pack of pasta at Trader Joes, whatever we end up eating isn't going to be comparable to my common diet and thus quite a bit more expensive. In addition movies now cost me twice as much. Thirdly, I fucking HATE flowers (sorry, I said a swear!) Yes, that's right. All of your visions of me dancing around in a field of flowers are ruined! Flowers suck. Why? First, they stink. Flowers don't smell good. The only things that smell good I can eat. There are only a couple of flowers that I would eat (pumpkin flowers and sour grass) so most flowers are a waste of scent that could be better put to use in delicious steaks, pesto and guacamole. Second, they are useless. You pick a flower and it dies. Lots of women think that somehow you actually care if they keeep the dead, rotting flower carcasses around. So they'll hang them up to dry... thorw them away, please! I don't keep turds as a reminder of a special meal I ate, so don't keep the carcasses of plants around unless you're making potpurri (which incidently also stinks). Thirdly, flowers are the sex parts of plants. Think about that next time you deeply inhale that bouquet he gets you! Yeah, you're gettin' a nostril full of wang! So yes, flowers suck. Fourthly (back to the original ordered list now) I see a lot of weak people in relationships because they don't know who they are. "Oh ho", I hear you say, "Lyle is afraid to be in a relationship because he feels that it would make him lose his sense of identity". Congratulations Freud, you'll also soon discover that girls have penis envy and you're stuck in the anal stage of development. There is some truth to that, I'll admit. The only relationship of merit I've been in completely stole me away from myself... and it took me a long time to get it all figured out again. I don't want to fall into that again. I don't want to enter into a union and come out transfigured into one flesh. I like my flesh where it is, and I like yours where it is. Hmm, I had a lot more to say... mostly about freedom. But I'm really tired now... it's 1:30. So you'll have to excuse some of my jadedness.
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