Had my first final today. It was pretty easy... don't really have much other to say than that, but I'll keep typing just to see what I end up talking about.
Oh, I know: girls. (Stop reading now if you've ever read any post I've ever written before about girls, as this one will no doubt be very similar). I've found over the past few years that my feelings regarding the opposite sex and relationships in general are wavering and fickle. There are times when I feel very lonely and want nothing more than to be in a relationship, and there are times like now where I couldn't care one way or the other. Why is this? I've been trying to figure it out, but haven't really come to a definitive conclusion. There are just so many choices in life. I know that if I get a girlfriend now that will more than likely change the entire course I see myself on. Now what course that is I can't really say... again leading back to that aggravating thing called life. I'd like to join Peace Corps. post-graduation, but at the same time I'd like to stay where I am; here in SLO working at Andiamo. Compound that with the fact I'd also like to try working for a cruise line as an information officer, or work up in the bay area for some giant company doing something awesome. A girl at any point from here till the time I would make the decision would only change everything, and I mean everything. Of course I'm speaking as if girls just fall out of the sky, and I could simply have a girl on a whim... but a boy can dream can't he? Chances are if someone were to approach me right this instant I'd get scared and run away. Sorry future girl-friend... but that's how it'd be... unless we were friends first. Of course when love comes a' knockin' everything changes, so I guess I can't even say that with any confidence. *sigh* I really don't know, I just have this funny feeling that my next girlfriend will be my last (as in I'll do something crazy like marry her). With Tony getting married and all it seems like I should have been paying more attention to this area of my life all along. I wonder how I would even be with a girl now. It's been so long, and while I've matured in other areas I fear that I would fall into the same traps I did before; invest too much of myself and end up hurting.
This post is turning out to be really long, so I may as well make it a record. Let's talk a little bit about extreme emotional duress. If you've ever been in a relationship, chances are you've been under it. You act crazy, do things that make no sense. I remember one particular time, after some fight with Ana, I was driving back from Santa Barbara and talked to myself the entire way. I don't really remember anything I said, but looking back on it now I can't even imagine doing something like that. I also remember another time in the dorms, throwing the phone (and breaking it... oops!) and practically running out of my room. I remember my heart racing, and tears welling behind my eyes. There was that sick, salty taste in my mouth and I was looking in every direction but at the same time looking nowhere. I walked down from my dorm as far as the PAC, and sat in the grass by a light-post cross legged, holding myself and rocking. I think I had had the intention of walking downtown, but what inner logic remained said that wouldn't do anything for me... so I guess I just broke down then and there. Perhaps thankfully for me I was alone that weekend, so I could sort everything out a little before I had to face anyone. I don't even remember going back up to my room that night, or what I even did. That sucked... so much. I guess it's memories like that that make me somewhat fearful of entering into a new relationship. Don't get me wrong, there were good things too... but what a terrible cost they came at. If given the chance would I pay that price again? I just don't know. I do know that I experienced exactly what it feels like to be wild with emotion, confused, lost and alone... to say the least it isn't an experience I'd like to revisit.
If you're still reading, congratulations. I'm impressed that you've made it this far. I don't have any grand and amazing quotations or thoughts to leave you with just a simple "thanks for reading, who ever you are".
Oh, I know: girls. (Stop reading now if you've ever read any post I've ever written before about girls, as this one will no doubt be very similar). I've found over the past few years that my feelings regarding the opposite sex and relationships in general are wavering and fickle. There are times when I feel very lonely and want nothing more than to be in a relationship, and there are times like now where I couldn't care one way or the other. Why is this? I've been trying to figure it out, but haven't really come to a definitive conclusion. There are just so many choices in life. I know that if I get a girlfriend now that will more than likely change the entire course I see myself on. Now what course that is I can't really say... again leading back to that aggravating thing called life. I'd like to join Peace Corps. post-graduation, but at the same time I'd like to stay where I am; here in SLO working at Andiamo. Compound that with the fact I'd also like to try working for a cruise line as an information officer, or work up in the bay area for some giant company doing something awesome. A girl at any point from here till the time I would make the decision would only change everything, and I mean everything. Of course I'm speaking as if girls just fall out of the sky, and I could simply have a girl on a whim... but a boy can dream can't he? Chances are if someone were to approach me right this instant I'd get scared and run away. Sorry future girl-friend... but that's how it'd be... unless we were friends first. Of course when love comes a' knockin' everything changes, so I guess I can't even say that with any confidence. *sigh* I really don't know, I just have this funny feeling that my next girlfriend will be my last (as in I'll do something crazy like marry her). With Tony getting married and all it seems like I should have been paying more attention to this area of my life all along. I wonder how I would even be with a girl now. It's been so long, and while I've matured in other areas I fear that I would fall into the same traps I did before; invest too much of myself and end up hurting.
This post is turning out to be really long, so I may as well make it a record. Let's talk a little bit about extreme emotional duress. If you've ever been in a relationship, chances are you've been under it. You act crazy, do things that make no sense. I remember one particular time, after some fight with Ana, I was driving back from Santa Barbara and talked to myself the entire way. I don't really remember anything I said, but looking back on it now I can't even imagine doing something like that. I also remember another time in the dorms, throwing the phone (and breaking it... oops!) and practically running out of my room. I remember my heart racing, and tears welling behind my eyes. There was that sick, salty taste in my mouth and I was looking in every direction but at the same time looking nowhere. I walked down from my dorm as far as the PAC, and sat in the grass by a light-post cross legged, holding myself and rocking. I think I had had the intention of walking downtown, but what inner logic remained said that wouldn't do anything for me... so I guess I just broke down then and there. Perhaps thankfully for me I was alone that weekend, so I could sort everything out a little before I had to face anyone. I don't even remember going back up to my room that night, or what I even did. That sucked... so much. I guess it's memories like that that make me somewhat fearful of entering into a new relationship. Don't get me wrong, there were good things too... but what a terrible cost they came at. If given the chance would I pay that price again? I just don't know. I do know that I experienced exactly what it feels like to be wild with emotion, confused, lost and alone... to say the least it isn't an experience I'd like to revisit.
If you're still reading, congratulations. I'm impressed that you've made it this far. I don't have any grand and amazing quotations or thoughts to leave you with just a simple "thanks for reading, who ever you are".
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